Alright folks, grab a cuppa because today’s experiment was a wild one. Stumbled across this “Honey Gold Squirts” thing online and my curiosity got the better of me. Sounded way too fancy for what it probably is, but hey, practice makes perfect, right? Decided to give it a whirl myself, exactly how they described it. Three simple steps? We’ll see about that.
Step One: Gathering the Goop
First off, needed the main ingredient – raw honey. Not that cheap store syrup stuff. Dug out a jar from the back of my pantry labeled “Local Raw” that looked suspiciously crystalized. Scraped off the crunchy top layer – felt like chiseling concrete. Managed to get about half a cup of the slightly softer honey underneath into a small saucepan. Looked like sticky amber sludge honestly.
Followed the instructions to heat it gently. Key word: gently. I cranked the stove to low and hovered like a nervous parent. Stirred it with a wooden spoon, watching it slowly turn from solid gold goop into a slightly runnier nightmare. Took ages! Started doubting the whole “simple” claim right then and there. Kept testing the warmth with my pinky – stupid move, burned the tip. Finally, it felt lukewarm, like a tepid bath, and poured it into a clean squeeze bottle I’d washed out. Ended up with this thick, slow-moving liquid. Doubted it could “squirt” anything.
Step Two: The Mixing Mess
Next step involved thinning it out. Recipe called for warm water and a splash of witch hazel. Measured out two tablespoons of warm tap water – not hot, not cold. Poured it slowly into the honey in the bottle. Shook the bottle like mad. Picture me, hunched over my sink, furiously jiggling this sticky bottle, honey-water sloshing everywhere inside. Looked like a science experiment gone wrong. Added a teaspoon of witch hazel – smelled medicinal – and shook again like my life depended on it. Result? Still thicker than pancake batter. Maybe thicker. Did not resemble any kind of “squirt” I’ve ever seen. More like honey molasses trying to escape a dump truck.
Things I messed up:
- Probably didn’t warm the honey enough initially.
- Shaking created massive foam bubbles that refused to pop.
- Got sticky fingerprints on everything within a 3-foot radius.
Step Three: The Grand (Fail) Reveal
The moment of truth. Supposed to apply this miracle mix to clean skin. Washed my face, all hopeful. Positioned the bottle nozzle over my cheek. Squeezed with all my might. Nothing. Happened. Gave it a real gorilla grip. Finally, with a groaning sound from the plastic, a slow, thick glob oozed out like reluctant lava and plopped straight onto my cheekbone. No elegant squirt, just a messy splat. Felt cold and sticky instantly. Smelled faintly of honey and medicine cabinet. Tried massaging it in like the directions suggested – big mistake. It turned into this bizarre, tacky film that pulled my skin weirdly. Took ages to rinse off with lukewarm water, leaving my skin feeling strangely tight and a bit… tacky? And slightly red. Maybe an angry bee sensation? Not exactly the glowing result promised.
So yeah, “Honey Gold Squirts”? More like Honey Gold Plops. Followed those three “simple” steps religiously and ended up with sticky counters, questionable facial residue, and a jar of honey I now resent. Simple? My aching sticky fingers beg to differ. Maybe I missed a secret fourth step involving a magic wand? Honestly felt like pointless kitchen alchemy. Won’t be trying that again. Utter waste of good honey and ten minutes of shaking practice. Total flop.
