Getting Started
Grabbed my old clippers from the basement shelf – dusty but still working. Read online about football cuts needing crisp lines and faded sides, thought “how hard could it be?” Didn’t bother buying new guard combs, just used the half-broken ones still clipped to the machine. Big mistake already.
The Chaos Begins
Started with the back first like those barber videos show. Held the mirror behind me, tried angling the clippers upward. Ended up taking a huge chunk out near my crown. Looked like a mangled bird nest. Panicked and tried fixing it by going shorter. Now had a weird bald patch shining under the bathroom light.
Side Disaster
Switched to the sides using number 2 guard. Forgot to check if the comb was loose. Midway through my left side, the guard flew off. Clippers dug straight into my temple leaving a racing stripe of bare skin. Cursed so loud my neighbor knocked on the wall.
Desperate Fixes:
- Used beard trimmer to blur the bald spot – made it patchier
- Tried carving a “hard part” with clippers over my ear – crooked as hell
- Cut my own fringe too short holding scissors upside down
The Aftermath
Stared at my reflection feeling like a failed science experiment. Left side looked military-short, right side fluffy like a chick. That bald patch? Covered it with my kid’s brown play-dough for Zoom meetings. Lasted 20 minutes before crumbling down my collar.
What Actually Works
Lesson 1: Buy new damn guard combs that click tight. Used duct tape on mine eventually – still slipped twice.
Lesson 2: Do NOT start with the hardest part. Practice fades on your buddy first – mine won’t answer calls now.
Lesson 3: Kitchen scissors ≠ barber shears. Found chunks in my soup next day.
